On Immigration

CONTENT NOTE: MENTION OF INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE AND IMMIGRATION

Last week I met with the local branch of Justice For Our Neighbors, a legal clinic that helps undocumented and other immigrants with their immigration process.

I’m applying for status under the Violence Against Women Act. I qualify for this pathway because of how I ended up undocumented in this country to begin with. It’s a long, messy story.

I haven’t heard back yet if they’re going to take my case or not. In the meantime, I’ve been forcing myself to write out my affidavit.

I ended up in the US after flying to New Mexico for what I thought was my honeymoon. My husband and I were planning on visiting his parents, then road tripping back to Toronto. That’s not what happened though. He kept delaying our return until out of fear of becoming undocumented, I finally agreed to stay in the US. He took my passport, the immigration paperwork I had downloaded from the internet and filled out, and the money for the fees and never filed. I don’t know what he did with it all.

Years later, when the abuse was evident, I tried to leave. He told me if I did, he would call the police, and I would be arrested immediately and deported, and I would lose my kids. He told me he never filed the immigration paperwork.

I stayed. I kept hoping I could convince him to go back to Toronto with me. I thought if I could be a better wife, then he wouldn’t hurt me anymore.

Part of the VAWA application for status involves breaking down in detail the abuse that happened in my marriage. It’s a messy and triggering affair, and I have yet to sit down for a writing session without being hit with all the emotional ups and downs that come with talking about it. Even now, four years removed from my husband, I still find myself caught in the gaslighting and the anxiety. Could it be my fault? Did I make him hit me?

Logically, I know better. I know from working with other domestic violence survivors that we all have these feelings, and that they never really fully go away for some of us. They’re there, in the back of our minds, reminding us that we’re never going to be fully free, that everything is our fault, even when it isn’t.

One of the biggest obstacles to healing from domestic violence is learning to love yourself again. Learning to trust your gut, to have faith in your abilities. That asking for help to achieve your goals, and protect your autonomy doesn’t make you incapable or weak. In fact, it makes you stronger.

So here I am, looking at the fear I left behind, and comparing it to the love I have ahead of me. I need to keep reminding myself that things are better now, and they’re going to be even better once I get my immigration sorted.

I’m surrounded by people who love me. Despite my husband’s best attempts to convince me otherwise, I am lovable, and loved. I am not useless, I am not worthless, I contribute to my community. My kindness isn’t a lack of intelligence, it’s a willful choice to see the best in people, and to want to do the best for my community. And letting my community support me through this process doesn’t make me a terrible person. It just means I’m welcome, and I’m not alone.

If you would like to contribute to the fundraiser my community put together for me, you can do so here.

I Love You

Hey. Hey you.

Over there.

I don’t know you. Not personally. We’ve never met. But I love you. I love the way you move through this world, trying your best. I love the way you wake up every morning, even when it’s hard. I love you when you drag yourself out of bed and move forward with your day. I love you when you can’t do it today, and stay in bed and sleep. I love you with your hair done, and I love you even when you pick cheese balls out of your tangles.

I love you when you’re crying, smiling, laughing, or sobbing.

I love you, even when your monsters are winning.

I love you, even when it’s hard, even when you don’t love yourself. I love you without condition, without fail. I love you even if I walk away from you. I love you for you, for all your good and your less-good. I love you when you’re angry, when you’re scared. I love you.