I find it so difficult to write for this blog some days. It’s not that I have nothing to say, just that there are only so many ways you can rephrase the words be kind for kindness’ sake. And really that is all I ever have to say.
Yes, my life has conflict. Sometimes more than I would like. What life doesn’t? I’m not always perfect. I have my own traumas and my own issues to work through. I cause harm to the people I love, and to my community. I do my best, and I work hard to fix my mistakes. Sometimes I’m the victim of other people’s mistakes too. Sometimes other people’s traumas and pain end up hurting me, and truthfully, it sucks.
But I don’t want to sit here and write in anger. I don’t want to shame people for not being perfect. I don’t want to shame myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I don’t want to shame anyone else either. I want to talk about these things, and I want people to grow in love and kindness.
I want to take the pain I cause and the pain that is caused to me, and I want to turn it into love.
I want to pray to gods I’m not sure I believe in, that no matter what the world throws at me I stay fiercely kind. I want to pray the same for you. I want healing and growth and love and kindness to win every time. And when it doesn’t, when I find anger winning, and I find myself struggling to show empathy even when I set my boundaries, I want to be able to recenter myself, and find my focus, and remind myself that we are all human, myself too. And we all make mistakes, and none of us will ever be without flaws. And I want to find my kindness, and find my love, and I want to stay fiercely kind, and love wholly, and forgive, forgive, forgive.
I forgive you Shoshana. I forgive you wholly, completely, and without hesitation. And when you are ready, I will be here. I love you always. And while we may never be friends again, I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope you find the peace you seek. And I hope, above all, you find your way to love.
I release you from any guilt you may hold for what you’ve done. May you find the ability to forgive yourself.
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