When my kids and I lived with my ex husband we didn’t really have stable housing. When we left, we did so with no idea where we would end up long term. I knew we had a short term place to stay, and we had a rough plan to go back home to Canada that fell through, but beyond that we really didn’t have anything, or any idea of what to expect.
That uncertainty was terrifying for me, but more so for my daughter. K was four, and old enough to understand that everything was different and uncertain. I did my best to keep things calm and stable and come across as a confident mother who knew what I was doing. I didn’t want my kids to be afraid, but it was difficult.
I think if I had to do that part over, I’d be more honest about how I was scared too.
One thing I did do, when K got nervous or anxious, was ask her what kind of house we should live in one day. What colour should it be? Should it be made of bricks or wood?
Over the months, our dream house developed. It was a big pink house with a castle tower on it. It had a huge slide inside the tower that you could slide down all the way into K’s bedroom, which was full of unicorn stuffies and Lego and you could colour on the walls and cover them in stickers.
There was a toy car room with a race car bed, and all of Bug’s toy cars had their own little matchbox sized beds so he could tuck them in. He had his own slide, but a little one because he was afraid of the really big slides. And his room had padded walls and cushions everywhere because he walks into stuff a lot. He was only a year or so old at the time.
My room, according to K’s design, has a swimming pool in it, and a really, really big bed, so that the kids could climb in every morning and play monster with me. And it was full of pillows and had a giant fridge full of Diet Coke and water bottles and at least 100 cats and fish tanks.
My kids are 11 and 9 now. Our home is nothing like we imagined. I’m not sure they even remember our silly little daydreams, but I do. And it makes me smile.
Leaving is hard, and it is terrifying, but it really was the best decision I ever made.
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