Several years ago, I ran into an online troll who then spent several years harassing me. I thought I finally managed to get him to leave me alone when I completely erased my online presence, only to have him find me again in 2018. I’ve become only a minor target to him now, and his focus is almost entirely on my friend Peter.
On April 14th, Peter has a Civil Stalking Protection Order hearing before a magistrate in Columbus, Ohio. He’s placed me on the witness list. I’ve agreed out of support for my friend. I’m more than happy to tell the truth.
In all honesty though, I’m also scared. My friends know me as being the person that’s always willing to do the right thing, even when it is scary, and I do. I’m always smiling and holding hands and reassuring folks through their own struggles and reminding them that I’m here and I’m happy to be their support and their shield as needed, but I don’t often get to talk about how utterly terrifying it is to be that person. It isn’t fair to unload my own anxiety on someone who themselves is anxious about the same thing.
Truthfully, I have a really intense fear of authority. It isn’t even that I have anything to be afraid of. I may not even be called to speak. I’ve spoken in court before, and I’m well aware of how to conduct myself and what is expected of me. I’m not defending myself, and it isn’t like anything bad could happen to me for telling the truth in this situation.
But I do have a history of abuse, and I do have a history with this particular respondent and his constant abuse. It is hard not to be afraid. What if he blows up? What if he starts screaming? What if he actually follows through on any number of the violent threats he’s made? This isn’t the first protection order that’s been taken out against him.
What if speaking about this means he’s going to target me extra hard again? Am I ready? I know I’m willing to risk it, if it means doing the right thing, but am I ready to handle him trying to track down everyone I speak to? Everyone who has ever had any contact with me professionally? My friends? Anyone who allies themselves with me? Am I ready to explain to people again and again that they should just ignore him, while offering apology after apology?
Am I ready to maybe have to delete my entire online presence and start over completely just to keep my kiddos safe?
Guess I’m going to be.
Wish me luck, and most of all, wish me strength.
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